subject line: we don't lock eyes anymore.



There’s no way someone is still thinking of that email from two plus years ago, right? I wrote “We Keep Locking Eyes” in September of 2016. Here is the truth about that email. I had a tremendous amount of fun with the boy from that email. He is charming, and no, I still will never forget his laugh. It was also a time period in which I was dealing with an insane amount of anxiety. He and I never talked about anything serious. It was fun for a few months, and then that got to be exhausting because we all know that life can get serious, and part of having companions is being able to confide in them. So here’s what really happened.

I continued to let him be the boy in my bed for a few months, and I continued to go on Tinder dates with other people because I was certain he would never love me. I was also certain I deserved to be treated better. We were at a bar one night, and I started a cake fight. After we were sufficiently drunk and covered in cake, he asked if I was coming home with him. I told him no, and said I wanted something more serious from my relationships. There is a lot I don’t clearly recall from this conversation. I hope that he remembers it but I can’t make any guarantees on either of our parts. I remember he told me I disregard other peoples’ feelings. I remember feeling surprised because as far as I was concerned, he had never tried to talk to me about having any feelings for me. He said he hopes I find what I’m looking for. I went home and cried and was pissed that the entire duration of our relationship felt like a big miscommunication.

In retrospect, here’s what I realized. Not communicating doesn’t equate to a miscommunication. If I wanted something more serious, I should have told him. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t think he was grown up enough to want the same things. If he wanted something more serious or felt slighted that I was blatantly seeing other people, he should have told me. He didn’t, and I don’t know why. Maybe he knew I would have been unapologetic about dating around or maybe he just never wanted anything more serious. I still see him once or twice a year. Last time I saw him, we played drinking games with our friends, and bought each other beers. Then I went home. I’ll always have a big, dumb crush on him, but I need to be with someone who doesn’t run from problems or shy away from uncomfortable conversations. I hear through the grape vine that he’s kind of growing up, but he seems just the same those one or two times a year. I hope he finds someone who can clearly communicate their expectations to him. I won’t go into the details of my life apart from this story, but I am a lot healthier than I was two years ago. I am a lot more assertive about what I want. I’m having completely different battles and trying to tackle them without getting drunk too often or napping in the middle of the day. I’m dating someone, and it seems to be going well.

I don’t think this is the romantic story anyone wanted, but it’s the truth. Maybe it is romantic in that I finally started to prioritize myself. I stopped overanalyzing every dumb text. I’m not sure where my current relationship is headed. If I am single again, I’ll approach it a lot differently than totally romanticizing someone who was just fun and charming. Just fun and charming is just fun and charming. It isn’t enough.