subject line: in the moment.

 

Fort Knox, Kentucky

I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to myself, I’m sorry to God, and I’m sorry to the person I keep making responsible for my feelings. In the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with the death of a loved one that is far from me, a car accident, and then just trying to continue adulting as if nothing is wrong. In that time there has been some petty things happening at work, and I don’t know if it’s just that I’m not thinking clearly or what, but I’ve felt attacked and betrayed. I don’t know if this is intentional, especially given my true headspace, but I always want to love those around me, be the bigger person. I haven’t been that recently. I haven’t been gracious, I haven’t put in the work. At work, I’m still working hard, but there has been a definite shift, and in the moments where I’m looked down on or feeling attacked, I break down. Not professional...at all. So, I’m sorry. I tend to hold onto things too tightly and can’t tell when it’s time to let go. This is my attempt at saying I’m sorry and sending it out unto the world. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know if this just my problem or not, and I’m recognizing that I’m not perfect, and that I can make mistakes. Part of me hopes I stay, and part of me has one foot out the door. Honestly, before I ever left to go celebrate the life of my loved one, my one foot was already out the door. If I do leave, it isn’t because of this. Though I can’t deny that this could be a tipping point. I’m trying my very best. That’s all anyone can ask of me.