subject line: even you, especially you

 

Chi-Town

When I wake up in the morning, I roll over and smile and pretend that you are there smiling back at me. It’s like a lethal injection to my heart when I realize you’re not just in the bathroom, about to come back and slip under the covers.

It’s been three weeks since you told me you wanted to marry me. Three weeks since I told you I’d never forgive myself if I chose you over this career I’m building. Three weeks since you said you loved me. Three weeks since I said I couldn’t make any promises.

Three weeks since you said you want to be all in or all out.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you until it was too late. I’m sorry I didn’t find words to tell you how you changed my whole life when you were right in front of me.

You said I know you better than anyone else in the world but feel like you barely know me. Both of those are probably true.

J, I so wanted to be vulnerable with you but I truly don’t know how. No one has wanted to see all of me before. I’ve never been the center of attention. You’re the only person in the world that I can talk to without disqualifying my emotions and I was still figuring out how exactly to do that. I look strong and I sound strong but the truth is, I’m just as much of a mess as you are. Maybe more, because I’m so afraid to let anyone - even you - especially you - know the truth.

It’s you. You’re the one I want to figure it out with forever. Please forgive me. Please come back. You asked me what I wanted - this is what I want. You.