subject line: when you called me weak.

 

Iowa

“You idolize all of these strong women, yet you can’t be strong enough to pick up your things and move closer to me,” he said.

Let me tell you that strength comes in all shapes. Strength comes in an even more complicated shape when anxiety is so tightly and uninvitingly wrapped within. I may look weak to you, but hear me out when I say you too easily confuse my weakness for strength. I was strong enough to make a decision you and I both didn’t want — to consciously let someone go that I still want to spend my forever with. I’m strong enough to continue to wake up on all the days my heart is heavier than a hundred cinder blocks as I mourn the loss of someone who is still here and existing just 3 hours away. I realized, most importantly, how strong I had to be when I asked you where you saw us in the future. I let down walls to tell you where I saw us. And you gave me one sentence in three words that changed everything. It wasn’t, “I love you.” It wasn’t, “let’s do this.” You said, “I don’t know.” Those three words, nine letters, thirteen characters that so closely almost broke me — forced me to be even more resilient than I ever thought imaginable. My heart is still in pieces all these months later. I still cry heaps behind closed doors, but let me remind you through all of my past, present, and future tears that I am strong enough to at least see the bigger picture that blinded you.