subject line: I never wanted to be this girl.


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i wouldn’t say that i was the girl who had my life totally figured out, but i definitely had an idea: i was going to stay the good kid and make my parents proud. i was going to major in english at my first choice school; finish my degree; get married after graduation; settle down with the man of my dreams and put christmas trees up in my living room in march to surprise him when he comes home from work. i was going to make those college friends that everyone talks about having and i was going to be lovely and bright and i would be the girl that people just enjoyed.

but i never pictured that i would be here.

i made it to the school i’ve dreamt of for years, and i started my english degree, but i had to move out of my house in november; it was while i was home on break when i finally recognized the manipulation and abuse at home. i’m leaving this school for a community college closer to home, and we’re looking more and more at getting married before graduation so that i can get away from my parents a little bit sooner. i’ve found myself sitting in comparison far too often and for far too long, rolling around in envy until i can’t get it off my back. i am not the person i wanted to be, and i’m not on any sort of familiar path.

but i’m learning to let that image go and to hold on to what i have right now, loving it fully and deeply and well. but i’m not going to lie. it’s taking a lot longer to get to lovely than i expected it to.