Skin too Small and A Place Too Big

i’m a freshman in college this year. before i left, everyone warned me about home sickness and the freshman 15— about getting enough sleep and eating breakfast. but no one told me that my freshman year would include the hardest struggle against depression that i have ever fought. i’m not homesick. i don’t want to move back into my bedroom and turn back time. i don’t want to be anywhere else. i want to be here. really.

but still, i wake up with my blood sprinting through my veins and to a rock in my stomach and a bleak numbness in my spirit. i go to class, bear it, and get back in bed. i sleep a lot, and i skip meals because i can’t leave my room, much less get out of bed. the doctor on campus upped my dose of antidepressants and prescribed xanax for my anxiety. my roommate fusses over me, asking if i’m okay and if she did something wrong. i’m getting more and more tired of telling her no- that this is me. this is my brain. give it time.

i haven’t gained the freshman 15- actually, i’ve lost weight. so much so that my parents commented on my size when i met them in the airport the first time i came home. i’ve spent plenty of time in bed. not always sleeping, though. a lot of it is staring at the ceiling praying that i won’t have to watch the clock turn again.

i really want to go to this college and to stay here, but i really wish i could enjoy it. i wish someone could have warned me about this.