subject line: I just need an outlet.


Somewhere in Horse Country

I’ve written other emails. I’ve tried letting go of the past. I’m paralyzed. Each day feels like it’s the same thing and I haven’t the slightest motivation. I was given most of what I want at work, but it isn’t official and it hasn’t come with a raise. My bills keep getting more expensive and I still feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I don’t contribute enough to the people in my life and that am a wasted space. Ask me my talent? I haven’t got a single clue. It’s not that I don’t think I have one, but I’m okay to good at many things, so how do I figure it out? I feel like I can’t get any air. I feel like if I’m gone tomorrow no one will care. What’s worse is I know I’m wrong, but I still can’t help feeling that way. My parents love me and my sister too. I’ve got at least two friends who would mourn me. I know I have more than many, and I want to feel like I KNOW this in my soul and every fiber of my being. Instead, I can only reach this at an intellectual level.
I know I should be happy and that I need to find a way to shut the nagging in my brain for things I wanted to be by this point in my life. If I can’t even figure myself out and be secure in myself, how am I supposed to love someone else? How could I love any children?
I find faults in others and internalize because I know psychology says the biggest faults we find in others are usually our biggest faults. I analyze things into the ground and need to understand from every angle and aspect. I can plan forever and never go anywhere because I’ve spent all my time planning. I’m honestly looking to go away somewhere, on a retreat or something just to be able to try to find myself, because right now, I’m not living my life. I’m just going through motions. I’m not an active participant in my own life. I know what I’m good at when it comes to work, so, if something doesn’t change at my current job I’m going to have to look for other jobs that play those strengths. In doing this I will at least not be so drained that I don’t even want to eat when I get home.
I don’t feel like there is a me to be found in this body. I’m just skin, bones, cells taking up precious space and resources.