subject line: forever and a day.

 
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The World, my heart, and yours

I’ve been sending emails for as long as i can remember, mostly about unrequited love or the longings i hold in my heart. but tonight, scrolling through emails i’ve read over and over again, none of it matters to me anymore.

there’s something so much bigger weighing on my chest. something that i can’t fix by shouting out my fears or heartaches into a void. something that makes every broken heart i’ve had before now feel obsolete.

my mom has been diagnosed with early onset alzheimer’s. and the worst part is that i think everybody already knew.

it’s been getting bad for awhile. we were all in denial, saying she was depressed. that we could fix it. that we would get her back.

but now every time i look at her i can see that she is a little less there than the day before. and i miss her.

there it is. i said it. i miss my mother. she is sitting right there next to me and i still miss her.

so here it goes:

dear mom,

i love you. i hope when everything around you fades and you might not even know my name, i hope you feel it deep within your heart. i love you and that will never, ever change.

i’ll never forget the person you weren’t my first 21 years. you made me a dreamer, a shower singer, a terrible dancer, and a fighter. i’ll never forget your smile, you’re outrageously dry sense of humor, the way you know every lyric to every song, or the color of your auburn hair.

i’m so thankful for you. you did the best you could, and it was more than enough. you cried with me just as much as you laughed with me. you let me sleep in your bed after having a bad dream—even when i was 17 years old. you took me shopping on my bad days. you picked me up at two am after marching band competitions. you came to every football game. and so many more, tiny things that i’ll always, always hold dear.

i miss you so much. and i know you wouldn’t want me to sit here and cry and worry about you. i know you would want me to go out there and live my life and make all of my dreams come true. to marry harry styles, essentially. and i will. i promise you that i will. but tonight i’m going to miss you.

i’m going to keep risking it all, to keep living for the thrill of living, to laugh and cry and dance and love. i’m going to keep fighting for those who can’t. for myself and for you. i’m going to keep being silly and courageous. and on the nights i’m scared, and i know it’s okay to be scared, i’ll wake up, make myself one of your famous grilled cheese sandwiches, and i’ll miss you. and i’ll miss you, and i’ll miss you, and i’ll love you.

what i mean to say is.... thank you, mom. thank you for being my mom. i love you.

always and forever,
sweet pea