subject line: It'll always be you.

 
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Reykjavik, Iceland

I’m not good at writing letters, or emails for that matter. It’s hard to sort my thoughts and somehow they always end up in a tumble anyway, especially when it comes to you.

I’ve known you for 18 years now - that’s two-thirds of my life and it feels like I’ve known you even longer than that, maybe since the beginning of everything. And I can’t imagine a life without you. I can’t imagine walking this earth without knowing that you exist in this world. The thought of losing you scares the hell out of me, and still... this is exactly what might happen. Maybe it’s inevitable. Maybe that’s what happens when the feelings get too strong.

And that’s the whole problem, you see. I love you. I’ve loved you since the first day I met you and looked into your eyes. I loved you when you smiled at me and said hi, when we sat outside in the sun on a bench and talked for hours, when we shared secrets, when you held my hand. And I knew you didn’t love me back. You cared for me, but in a different way. And that was okay, because at least I got to see you and spend time with you and that was all that ever mattered to me.

But now things are different. There’s this constant yearning for you that, no matter what I do, I cannot seem to stop. Sitting next to you and not touching you hurts more than anything ever has. Having all these words in my mouth and not being able to speak them makes me feel sick to my stomach. You don’t know how beautiful you are to me and how I wish things could be different. Oh, how I wish they were.

I will meet you soon and I don’t know what will happen. Maybe it’s gonna be the last time that I’ll be close to you. But whatever happens, I want you to know this:

You were there for me when no one else was. You dragged me out of a mile deep hole and gave me hope when I had none. You made me see the sun again when all that surrounded me was darkness. And I cannot put into words how much that means to me. You were my best friend and my savior and I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. Knowing you exist changed the world for me and I will forever be grateful that I got to have you in my life for so many years.

Whatever happens, I’ll meet you again and I’ll love you again. If not in this life, then in the next. It’ll always be you.