subject line: Mom.

 

Oregon

I never knew how big this void was until you told me to leave.
You say you didn’t, but you gave me two choices that both resulted in some kind of unhappiness. It’s been over a year and I’m still stuck. It’s like a never ending spiral that I can’t stop walking through. I wait for you. But you never come.
I want to be loved by you so bad. I want to feel accepted. I want reassurance that I can make it through this.
But you won’t give any of those things to me unless it is followed by policies and conditions, that you’ve made up in your head that make me more acceptable, and more lovable if I follow them.
However, I’m now starting to realize that you slowly stopped giving me these things years ago.

No matter how many good things that happen, I still feel like I’m walking in the middle of the road with cars rushing pass me and everything turns into a blur, and the good things that happen don’t even seem that good anymore because you don’t care about them.
You aren’t happy for. You don’t care like I need you to.
It’s so hard without your help. I didn’t think it would be this hard doing everything by myself. But it is. It’s swallowing me up. How do I stay afloat?

I guess this is really all my fault. I should have been honest with you when you were there for me. I should have told you how I felt, asked questions, done more with you, tried harder to keep a relationship with you.
How could I though. You smothered me when I would try to let you in. You made me hate parts of myself, you made me feel bad about myself for being so sad all the time, like I was this problem that just needed to be fixed as fast as possible.

I don’t understand how I can want you in my life so bad after all you have done to me. After turning me away countless times. But I still do. I want you to be there for me so bad it feels like there’s needles stabbing into my chest.
I wonder if we will ever find a way to make it work. In a way were both so alike. We’re so strong and stubborn, we won’t stop until the other does. Somehow are similarities make it harder for us to be close without hurting each other.
I miss you every day. I think about you every day.

Mom, I love you.
I love you so much that it’s painful.
Maybe one day you will understand why.