subject line: not throwing away my shot.


Where my feet are

I missed my shot. I let her slip through my fingers and I missed my shot to tell her how I really feel.

Of course, I would see her after break, but that was a full week. A full week of time for both of us to rationalize this, to overthink and overanalyze and make excuses for it. To move past the way that it felt like the earth stopped spinning when our knees were millimeters from each other. We didn’t move them. We sat there, that millimeter screaming out in electric waves, despite the fact that both of us usually hate physical touch. Something kept us there and kept us brushing arms and leaning into one another gently throughout the meal.

Then I walked with her out of the building and awkwardly avoided the topic and let her go. I pulled out my phone and shot her a quick message: “Hey so I totally should’ve just told you what I wanted when we were walking out but I suck and that didn’t happen. If you have some free time later tonight (I’d rather tell you before break), can we meet up?” She quickly replied “Sure, how about 9:30? Also. Good of you to bring something up. Even though you missed one shot, you took another. That’s challenging.”

So with the plan in place to go for a walk at 9:30, I started thinking way to into it all. Her comment about missing a shot led me to believe that she knew what I was going to say, that she was already guessing what it was. But nothing inside me could justify that she had feelings for me too. I tried planning what I was going to say. All the clichés ran through my head, but I wanted to do something less like what everyone sees and just say what I felt.

Of course, I am a writer. So I ended up writing 12 drafts of a letter to her. Something to fall back on if I couldn’t get the words out. It ended up reading “So I kinda like you a lot.”

I couldn’t find the words. So when 9:30 came around and we walked around in the brisk night air, I kept saying filler comments. She kept chuckling but I knew that she was waiting. I knew that she was waiting for me to tell her and I couldn’t get anything to fall out of my mouth. I passed the note to her and looked up at the stars in the semi-cloudy sky.

She read it out loud, quietly, almost under her breath. I could hear the smile in her voice but I was so afraid to turn to look at her. “Yeah” she replied. “I kinda like you a lot too.”