subject line: tired.



I love you, but I’m tired.

I’m tired of the 52 miles I drive to see your face.

I’m tired of your mom, her angry phone calls about us changing plans, and the way she drives by to make sure we are where we said we are.

I’m tired of the silence after you hang up with her because you’re mad that she’s so strict and I’m mad that it feels like nothing ever changes.

I’m tired of your brother’s girlfriend. I tried to like her, but she’s so fake, and I’m tired of no one else seeing that.

I’m tired of having to ask you to call me unless you’re bored and have nothing better to do.

I’m tired of the hesitation before I say, “Uhhh, yeah,” when someone asks me if I’m happy.

I’m tired of telling myself that maybe it’ll get better— that you’ll be more compassionate and your mom will be less crazy.

I’m tired of you talking about YOUR dreams & how you can’t wait for me to cheer you on from the sidelines when they all come true. I don’t remember ever wanting to be on the sidelines.

I’m tired of listening to you put other people down based on where they live or how much money they have or whatever else you find wrong with them, and I’m tired of you thinking you’re always right.

I’m tired of being drained on the car ride home because I’m lucky if I get two hours a week with you and I spend the last one staring at the clock wondering if it’ll be six weeks between dates again.

Oh, and I’m tired of them not being actual dates because you’ve never picked me up and taken me out and dropped me off back at my door step.

I’m tired of your one-word responses. I’m tired of feeling like I have to fight to have the upper hand. I’m tired of needing someone who’s never next to me.

I’m not tired of the good morning texts, because I promise I haven’t forgotten that they make me feel so good. There are times when you make me feel so good.

I’m not tired of holding your hand in the car or kissing you after a long, hard week. I’m not tired of you laughing at me and telling me you don’t care what happens as long as we’re together.

I love you so much. There is so much I’d miss. But I am so tired.