subject line: I'm the girl he didn't chase after.

 
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2000 Miles Apart

In alot of ways I feel like if you had called me I wouldn’t have been able to answer the phone. Because its hard for me to even write this. I guess I had this idea that you left our argument and would come back willing to fight for us. Even if I didn’t answer, that you’d call again. And again. Tell me I was worth it... but you left. And I haven’t seen you since. I haven’t heard from you since. Pictures are gone of us. Not a trace that our “we” existed.

I think the worst part of this for me is the moments I valued and treasured and cherished so much are now poisoned by the love that feels no longer validated. I remember my first visit home after we decided to go long distance the way you looked at me and held my hand and kept getting caught breathless... it had me convinced that I would hold your hand forever. The way you kept smiling at every word I said.. the way you loved me that night. The way you would text me and tell me what you were doing and end it with “ love you,” every. single. time.

Then I went back, and long distance resumed. But it would just be for another month. It wouldn’t be that hard... I thought. And I don’t know what happened. But the “off period” scared me more than anything in the world. And days turned into weeks. And soon it was time to visit home and the fear that I was losing you was growing. And, I did.

The entire relationship I just wanted you to see you through my eyes. You are incredible. Your work ethic. Your drive. Your smile. Your laughter. Your mentality. Your desire for growth. I kept trying to come up with any way to show you how much amazing talent and potential you have. I wanted you to pursue your relationship with God deeper. I wanted you to pursue your biggest dreams.

I never wanted you to change. I know you probably think that. I just wanted you to want to grow with me. Like we had promised eachother we would. You changed, though, just not in the way I wanted. You turned cold. Those weren’t the eyes that loved me just a month prior. Those weren’t the hands that held mine and told me you’d love and cherish them as long as life would let you.

I think the hardest part is that you left the argument and said you’d call. Like it wasn’t a big deal. I told you not to leave. I begged you not to leave. I needed to work this out. I thought I knew you’d call... and you didn’t. Just like that, now we are out of eachothers lives.

I don’t hope our lives cross paths someday. I think that’s what makes this breakup different than most. Part of me hopes you miss me but the other part is so disappointed in the fact that you walked away so willingly from something that was so amazing... and I know it wasn’t just amazing for me. It was amazing from you too.

I think you’re scared. I think you’re really scared. And afraid. And you’ve always looked down on people for breaking open.... but babe, breaking open is where the garden of life sprouts. You can never truly love someone if it doesn’t come from the broken parts of your heart, too.

I don’t need to cross your path again. I loved you as hard as I could and gave everything I had. I won’t text you and tell you I miss you. I won’t lurk on your social media. I won’t get drunk and leave you a voicemail. I’m moving on now. Im chasing my dreams now, its time for me to go. Just like you did.

I hope someday, you look under your carseat, and find the love letter I left you that you haven’t found yet. And when you do, I hope you remember me... the girl you didn’t chase after.