subject line: closure


London, UK

5 months ago I told you I needed space to think. To think about whether I wanted to be with you or not. You asked how much and I said as much as I needed. What’s funny is before I said that to you I had made my decision, I didn’t need space to think but I needed to search the depths of my soul to make sure what i felt in my heart and gut were right. Fast forward to last weekend, you send me an impulsive WhatsApp message asking if you would ever get the closure you needed that I started to feel guilty that I had left you hanging in the balance of things. You see, I was too busy doing life (the good, the bad and the ugly) to think about where I left you. Although this might seem selfish, it is the first time in my life I put myself before anyone else and focused on me, my mental state and doing things on my own terms.

As much as you were once my comfort blanket, the bubble we lived in was bound to pop at any moment, it wasn’t realistic. I mentally checked out the first time we said bye. The second time you came back around, I was only here because you needed someone in your life to all to and you were gong through things. I won’t deny you were never there for me when I needed you. You were, but the relationship became about making sure you were okay and you got what you wanted and that consumed me. There were times I never wanted to answer your phone calls but I always thought what if he was having a bad day and just wanted to talk to someone. So it’s only natural I got to a stage where I was mentally exhausted and I can’t deny that these months of space have been the best i’ve had. So I guess I need to let you let me go cause I let you go a long time ago. And whilst you will always have a special space in my heart as my friend and my biggest supporter, I don’t think I could give you what you want because I reached the finish line of this 400m race a long time ago and left you at the 100m mark.