subject line: the only fish in the sea

 

Akron, Indiana

when i look back at my journals, and the notes in my phone, i find glimpses into many sleepless nights spent worrying about you. i find single sentences on nights that i only had a few minutes to jot down how mad we were about each other, and paragraphs on the nights i wasn’t sure where you were.
i still worry about you. i still stop at a dead intersection on a country road on my way from work so i can get out and look at the stars while i think about you. i still wonder where the planes flying above me are going to land, if i should board one that lands near you.
i still think I did something wrong, on nights like this, when all i want is to hear from you and to know that you are okay. other nights, my thoughts are logical, and i can tell myself that i did all i could. some nights, if I am lucky, i do not think about you.
on nights like this, my love, i wonder if there will ever be a way for me let you know i will love you forever. i will hope that you know, and hope that i said it enough. you are observant though, and if you ever look back at our times together, i believe you will remember. i believe you remember that i would do anything for you, if only i knew how; you will remember that i will never let you down; you will remember the connection we share, if you let yourself. i was there for you and you tried to be there for me. but trying didn’t work and we weren’t good enough for it to last.
once, i told you that you were the only fish in the sea for me. i believed it with everything in me. then, you left without a word and when you came back, i was angry, and you knew it, but by the time i could tell you that you were still the only one, you were already gone.

ours is not a love story for the fragile. unfortunately, love, neither of us are strong.

maybe, if you ever find your way back to me, we will have had the time to build ourselves up, and we will be able to hold each other without breaking each other. i would do anything; pinky.