subject line: A girl torn by her mental illness

 

LA

It’s four in the morning, I can’t sleep, what else is new. My mind has incessant thoughts that won’t quiet down. I wish for nothing more than to just be normal again, to not have to worry about my insomnia, my anxiety, my depression or the unrelenting symptoms that accompany them. I wish that I would be able to do things other people could do without having to worry about everything that could possibly go wrong. I never wanted my life to be controlled by fear but that’s what it’s come to. It’s incredibly isolating. It causes me to put up a wall against everything and everyone. I’m a one woman island. I don’t let any body in. I’m causing myself more damage than anyone even realizes. What they perceive as being distant and uninterested, I see as being cautious as protecting myself from getting hurt. If only they knew the truth, of how much I want to be able to enjoy all the moments with them, to go to every event and place they go to without a care in the world, actually live my life...but I can’t. I’m terrified every waking moment that I never will be able to again, that after all these years I will never be the same person I once was...happy.