subject line: still waters

 

Broad Street Line

I was with a few mutual friends of ours tonight wondering if that little part of me that thinks that we should be together will ever go away. Reminding myself I have everything in my relationship. But if everything doesn’t include you, I just feel like I’m missing something. I’ve missed my exes before, sure. There’s this lingering difference here that breaks my heart. You never knew me. I don’t know if you ever wanted to.

When I was telling you we shouldn’t see each other anymore you told me i never thought about other people’s feelings, and I think you’re right. I generally don’t. When you grow up in a house of addicts, you learn not to think of other people because if you do it’ll fucking destroy you. This is all facts. You can’t think about how you don’t have a say if heroin will kill your family or you don’t stay sane. There’s a Kevin Hart skit about how he runs out of his house when his daughter tricks him into thinking she’s a ghost and when he gets in the car he realizes he had left his whole family behind. It’s kind of like that. You dont want to be inconsiderate. There’s a force that’s just fucking greater than your fight or flight instinct, and in my life it had manifested in a strange way. It’s instilled in me this voice. “You’ve beat the worst of it. You’ve beat the worst of it. It’s all smooth sailing from here.”

So when you called me inconsiderate, I kept pausing. Thinking about it. Wondering if you were right.

But here’s the truth. I called you when my friend died. It had a profound impact on my life. And you didn’t care when I was laying in my bed staring at the wall or pacing around my house having anxiety attacks.

So yeah. You can call for the boy with the really nice laugh and the really nice body and you can convince yourself that you would do anything to win him over. It’s all just another way of saying it’s a two way street. It would have been great dating someone who likes my best friends. But my best friends are good. They never pulled me aside saying we would be good together. They pulled me aside saying they liked being able to eat breakfast with me in your house. And then they moved out. We’ve all moved on except for this damn ghost of us that I can’t get rid of.

I think it’s just the type of thing where I remember all the times ive tried to make real human connections with you sober. And I wish that just once you would have done that for me. Shallow love is easy.