subject line: my plant


Slinging Lattes

You get tired of missing the people you lost.

I wish that I didn’t have to be afraid of bridges now. I’ll never forget the night I had a panic attack looking down into the water, thinking of how you jumped. Fixating on the rocks below until they started to spin. It’s one of things where I’m pleading with God to give me an answer as to why he took a good one. Why it changed my life. Why it isn’t just a dream. It isn’t like I’m thinking about it all the time, but I’m left empty-handed. I’m left trying to piece together the people he left behind. It doesn’t work. I can barely say his name. It’s become a curse to me. If I don’t say it, maybe it won’t be real. The crazy thing is, people come and go out of my life all the time. The ones I probably won’t see again I can still stalk on Facebook. But when I look at his Facebook all I can think of is the only message I’ve sent him.

”Are you ok?”

”It really isn’t like him to miss work.”

Today I bought a plant. In my head, I’m naming it after you. And I’m going to do everything I can to keep it alive. Because if I can’t stop thinking of you, I don’t know if I believe in ghosts, but maybe you still remember me too. I know you would want to see me doing well. So Plant You will. I’m not telling anyone I’m naming it after you. I feel crazy for it. But I haven’t really felt sane since you died. I’m just starting to.