subject line: sam hunt and the southside

 

ohio

Break up in a small town. Thanks Sam. We appreciate your musical contributions to society.

Yeah. Sure did. I was broken up with. Which being twenty-five (Lord help me) and getting broken up with is like a gut-punch where you want to throw up but you can’t, and you just walk around with your stomach in knots for a while. There’s no rhyme or reason to why things don’t work out. Sometimes they just don’t and you have to let go and figure out how to spend your nights and weekends again, because that someone who was always up for grabbing a beer with you, or going for a walk is gone.

It’s mourning in the weirdest of ways, because they’re still here, but you no longer have permission to be in their life. You no longer have permission to talk to their family, or to be in their home, or to see their friends, or to like their dog. Because it’s theirs. And I have been ever so politely locked out.

And on the other side of that loss is the question where did I go and what happened to me? Strong, confident, care-free me? I spent so much time making sure I was being caring, and thoughtful, and heaven forbid- not annoying or too much to handle.

You used to care, but now you don’t. I don’t need you to exist in my world, but yes, it feels a tad emptier on this side and sometimes I miss you. And other times, I have a strong impulse to scream, “It’s better this way. I’m better this way.”

So here we are, back to independence and traveling, and reading too many books and working out, being back to myself for all of the people that I hold dear. Even though I didn’t mind the person that was ever so slightly changing into a relationship person.

Here’s to navigating seeing your car in parking lots, and probably turning around, seeing your family and friends and doing the awkward wave and half smile, and sitting in my favorite bar ordering and a double IPA. I’ll probably do a small, secret cheers to you, because even though you’re gone, you taught me more and challenged me more than anyone I’ve ever met. And for that I will be ever grateful. Cheers.