subject line: neighbor

 

US

Dear neighbor,

Every time you walk by without saying hello, your eyes glazing over me sitting on the porch like it no longer exists, I want to ask why.

Why don’t we talk anymore? What about me wasn’t good enough?
Why didn’t you chose me when I was so willing to chose you?

I’ll never say these things, which is why I say them here. Letting them sit unspoken in my heart is like letting a dirty bandage sit unchanged for too long on an open wound.

Each silent passing comes with a deep ache of what will never be and it hurts. Here I am, yet again, the girl who was almost enough, but not quite. The one you almost chose, but decided against. I’m an adult but somehow your passive decision to stop pursuing me has made me feel like a child.
Was I not smart enough? Bold enough? Did I not have an elaborate enough plan for my future? What about me wasn’t enough for you?

Sigh. Tonight is the night I break this cycle. Screw it. I wasn’t enough for you.
Here I am in all my glory:
I will never be the perfect girl next door. I have trouble growing roots because I am afraid of the pain of being unearthed. I am flighty but I’m learning the art of staying. I am compassionate and though I seem quiet, will fight fiercely for my people. If you’re breathing and have been beaten down by the world, you’re my people. I have endured trials and suffering and have walked through many deserts. My mind has waged war against itself and by grace I made it out alive with great hope. No, I don’t know much about sports, other than I should always hate the Yankees. I will learn anything for the sake of learning. I read obsessively and run as much as I breathe. One day I hope to open an orphanage in Romania and paint the walls the color of the radiant sun.

These are the things you will never know about me. Why you stopped choosing me, I may never know. It hurts right now. But I’m going to stop believing the lie that because you saw no good in me, there must not be any. I have come so far from where I once was, and I have a long way to go before completion. I am afraid no one will ever see me and chose to stay. This too is a lie I need to overcome. I have a feeling it will take time, much like it will take a lot more silent walk by’s before they no longer hurt. But the time will come. Just hang on.