subject line: to be honest, i have no idea what i want


a very messy place

We’re moving and I’ve found that I’m the sentimental one in my family. I want to save so many things - a Kindergarten graduation gown that several of us have worn, a box of costumes that I spent my entire childhood in, an old metronome my brother used to use. Every thing I save, I partner with the phrase, “well, my children will use these one day.” I don’t think I’ve ever thought about kids more before. I want four. My mom had four and so did my sister. It feels like the perfect number. And I want to have kids before my parents are gone. That feels morbid to say, but I’m terrified that they won’t be here to show my kids what a fantastic grandparent looks like, because I only know because of them.
I realize I’ve put the cart before the horse. I’m single. I still have a year and a half of school before I graduate and then there’s so much to do and explore. Sometimes I feel this urgency to figure it out, because I don’t want to push getting married back too far. I need my parents there. And I understand that in many ways, these fears are ungrounded. My parents are in their 60s. They’re healthy people. They’ll be just fine. But anxiety isn’t always rational, is it? And I find myself staring at the yellow Bumble logo, wondering if I open it today or not. I told myself I was going to delete it weeks ago because there is no way on earth that I’m dating someone from around here. I’m sorry, but if you are a baseball player at the community college or a hardcore fisherman, we’re just not going to work. It sounds shallow but I’ve been on these campuses and that’s not what I want. I want someone who is creative and whose hands are always making something, someone that really gets me. Someone who fills rather than drains me. I already made the mistake of being with someone who was the polar opposite of me. I’m pickier because of them. And a part of me just wants it figured out. To meet a wonderful man who sweeps me off my feet and hit the ground running. The other part of me has too many dreams and ideas and plans to make time to pursue any sort of relationship. So, you see, I’m a mess of contradictions and on nights like tonight, it’s kind of humorous.