subject line: falling down the rabbit hole

 

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My life seemed like it was finally coming together. I had gotten into the college of my dreams, I had a good chance for a full tuition scholarship, I had been given the lead in my ballet show, and I had a really nice boy really like me.

Life was going good, but then I didn’t get the scholarship. It seems silly really. I know that I was lucky to even be considered for it and that 17 other kids had gotten rejected just like I did, but I still cried for hours after recieving the email. I wanted to write back to them. Ask them why I wasn’t good enough. Why I never seemed to be good enough.

I finally felt like I was getting somewhere in my ballet career. I had never been particularly good, so when I got one of the main roles in the show I was excited. I had my own solo and a partnered dance. I was completely happy with it, but my inability to do some parts of the dances led me to question my skill as a dancer and, even worse, it made me hate my body. By normal standards, I am not overweight and I know that my body is acceptable, but at dance all of the other girls are a lot thinner than I am. In the show there is one part where I have to be lifted up onto a boy’s shoulder and we have failed at it every week. It’s not the boy’s fault. He can do it with the other girl. That means it has to be my fault. It destroyed the self confidence I had worked so hard to build up.

There was a really sweet, really cute boy that had started to show interest in me. It was going well at first. We flirted and had good conversations and I had started to really like him. I don’t know what happened. It’s like I woke up one day and didn’t have those feelings for him anymore. I feel like an awful person because I basically led him on. He is such a kind-hearted boy and he deserves much better than a girl who won’t let herself feel.

I’ve been trying to pull myself together, but I’m barely slowing my descent. Some days I feel like I just need to let it all out, but I’m not sure that anyone will understand.

I just hope that I can find wonderland when I reach the bottom of this rabbit hole.