subject line: the last time

 

Boise, Idaho

I’ve written in one too many times. The standard topic: unrequited love. For nearly two years I’ve written about a man I’m certain about. A flannel-wearing, bearded man I’ve been not so secretly in love with for three years. So many things have happened in that time. A falling out. A girlfriend for him. A dark depression for me. We’ve circled around in our friendship, but I’m still dancing with maybes and what ifs. I’ve written about letting go and moving on, but at the end of the day I haven’t. I start thinking I’ve made progress only to catch myself looking at him from across the room and daydreaming about him when he’s not there.

Here’s the thing. I don’t want to miss out because I’m holding on. I’ve let him occupy all this space in my heart for so long; there is not room for much else. I’m scared of what will happen if I let go. I don’t want to lose the friendship and beauty wrapped inside this man I love. I’m also scared of what will happen if I don’t. I’m tired of falling into my same patterns and habits; it’s not doing either of us any good. I’m not loving him or myself in the best way I can. It’s not healthy and it’s embarrassing. I’m not living as the woman I want to be.

It seems only fitting that I write in and say: I’m rolling up my sleeves; I’m going to love myself enough to do the hard work and take care of myself. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like. Creating a sanctuary. Reading self-help books. Meditation. Listening to podcasts on my spin bike. Volunteering at the food bank. Inviting friends over for endless tacos. Turning up a record and having a solo dance party. Taking calligraphy classes. Learning to love with generosity. Lots of prayer. It will probably look like avoiding him for awhile and not seeking him out.

It’s all simple to type out, but I’m not expecting this to be easy. I anticipate tears and pain. But it can’t be worse than how I feel right now. I can have all the self-awareness in the world, but it will be worthless if I don’t take action. Ready or not.