subject line: this is my goodbye, for real this time?



I’ve been passively writing you through this thing here for a while now. It’s easier this way because I don’t have to go through wondering if you’ll finally write back.

I was thinking about some of the moments that were just too sweet. I refuse to paint a picture of you that is anything but kind. Although, it would be a lot easier to just tell everyone you were awful to me and pretend I deserve so much better.

Remember that time we made a bet on whether or not you could lift me? It was a risky one because if you couldn’t then we both would have been so embarrassed. It was right before one of our date nights. You insisted we do it before we left. I was more nervous for this than I was on our first date. I thought “there’s no way this tall, lanky boy could lift someone my size”. I was self conscious about my weight but refused to let you in on that. Then you picked me up with ease and when you put me down, you smiled and kissed me. No words.

After our date that night you brought it up. And I thought you felt like I was questioning your strength. I said “it wasn’t that I thought you weren’t strong enough...” and before I could say anything else, you boldly cut in to say “oh no, I know what you thought. You thought you were too big... you’re not, you’re perfect” and then you kissed my hand. Maybe that’s the moment I started to fall?

I could only think of how our kind of love only happens in movies. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out?

Part of me hopes I’ll pass you on the street when we are both old and have our own families. And for just a moment, all the memories will rush back in. Just like in the movies. I’ve imagined it happening for weeks now.