subject line: dear emily

 

Pittsburg, Pennsylvania

Dear Emily,
You left a comment 5 days ago on the email of mine that was posted. We’ve never met (or perhaps we have), but our anonymity to one other on this site will never allow us know. And, to be honest, I kind of like it this way, this mysterious comraderie of sorts that’s been developed. However, because I’m a realist and I have learned to check my sources (thanks Wikipedia and The Onion for giving me trust issues), I question if you’re actually real or if this “Emily” name is just an alias. However, whether or not your name isn’t Emily, but rather “Geraldine” or even “Linda”, the words you wrote to me I do believe. And I don’t need to recheck my sources because, as I read them, my heart cried and swelled and felt all sorts of things that my therapist told me I have taught myself to suppress again and again and again.
From what you wrote, I could tell that we weren’t much different from one another. You may live halfway around the world for all I know, but we both struggle daily and desire to love immensely. How could I tell? Because you took the time out of your day to write a comment on an anonymous email site; you purposely wrote words to give a complete stranger without a first name a sense of hope when all her hope had run completely dry.
And one of the sentences you wrote I just can’t seem to get out of my head. So, I took that sentence and I wrote it in my journal as I begged God for healing for the 3rd time that day. And I scribbled it down on a piece of paper and ripped it out and hung it near my light switch so I’m forced to look at it daily, perhaps even 3 or 4 times daily.

”The love that matters the most isn’t deserved.”

That rocked my world, Emily. What a freeing thought you’ve planted in my head! I am learning that this feeling of never being enough is futile: that God gives us a love completely undeserved and totally unearned. I don’t have to earn His love, I don’t have to earn His love, I don’t have to earn His love. It’s humbling and confusing and against every lie I’ve told myself for the past 10 years, but it’s true. God’s love matters most; God’s love is undeserved.
Thanks, Emily, for the Truth bomb. I’m fighting on. I’m failing and screwing up daily (hell, probably hourly), but I refuse to give up. It’s near impossible to give up with a unequivocal love like this romancing you unceasingly.

Please know that you’re worth it too, Emily. What a beautifully authentic heart you have. Keep loving and keep fighting. And know that I’m fighting alongside you, day after day: this mysterious comraderie of sorts.