subject line: big brother, where art thou?


Syracuse, New York

Dear Big Brother,

We got mail today, it was a bill for an ambulance ride. The statement claimed you had overdosed on cocaine and heroin and were pronounced dead on arrival. Three shots of Narcan brought you back to life. Were you happy or sad about that?
I remember falling to the floor in a pool of tears and desperation when I discovered you were addicted to heroin. It’s only worsened and worsened.
So, now you’ve officially died and came back to life. What was it like? Was Jesus there to hold you in such a moment of darkness? Was it as beautiful and magnificent as we were told it was going to be?

You’d think experiencing that would make you want to stop. But no. Three months ago you came in my room to talk. We laughed for like 30 minutes straight, I knew you were high. I ignored it, it was like I finally got to be friends with my big brother. Something I longed for my entire life. You then went into the bathroom and came out three minutes later. You couldn’t keep your eyes open and you were mumbling. I knew that you went in there to shoot that poison into your veins to feel that rush. Was it worth it? My world crashed, finally a moment of love between us and you had to get high in the middle of it.

Where did my big brother go? When did your life fall so badly that you had to reside to killing yourself slowly?

You will always be someone I love. But I don’t know if I can look up to you anymore. It hurts to know your death is reality. Every phone call, every text, I fear it’s someone bringing me the gut wrenching news that the drug finally won.

I pray you wake up one morning, ready to change seasons. You’re a smart man with a good heart.

Love always in all ways,
Your baby sister