subject line: the black hole

 

Ohio

Recently I’ve been taking myself on coffee dates with the promise to know myself again. The funny thing is I now know I never knew myself to start with. I looked into the mirror and saw a reflection of expectations. Expectations from my parents, my siblings, my friends. I would strive to be all of the “enoughs”. Creative enough, kind enough, wise enough, witty enough. It took a whole lot of coffee dates, writing, and God to figure out that perfection isn’t a destination. And if it was, it would be the loneliest place to live in the universe. My thoughts consisted of what I assumed other people were thinking of me. And when you dive down the intruding black whole of someone else’s mind, you lose yourself in the process. I climbed out of that hole on my hands and knees, longing to be truly known. Thirsty for authenticity. And I found so much more. I found grace and love and belonging. I found my people. And I laugh at the thought of venturing down that black hole of expectations ever again.