subject line: pregnancy test

 

Ithaca, New York

I took a pregnancy test today. Well, two, but one was defective. It was negative, and I’m 98% relieved, but that 2% wanted it to be the reason I’ve been nauseous and nothing appeals to me.
It’s obviously better this way, but I wonder what would have happened had it come back positive. I thought about what I’d say to you. But I couldn’t imagine your reaction. I’m not sure I’d know what my own would have been. If you ever read this, you’d probably say that this is one of my issues - that I’m inside my own head too much; that I’m not in the present enough. You’re right, but that’s how I’ve always been. I’m working on it.

I trusted you, that you’d always be there. Instead, I took a pregnancy test alone and then tried to continue on my day as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. But something did happen. I took a pregnancy test and a little part of me wanted it to be positive. I took a pregnancy test and another part of the dream we shared died.

And you’ll never know, because as much as I hurt and I want to give us another chance, I won’t, can’t, tell you. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. Instead. I’ll send an email and try to continue on as if nothing has changed, trying to ignore the fact that it has.