subject line: dear God

I just ended the longest week of my life. I don’t even know what made it long: Was it the stress at work or the multiple sleepless nights in a row? Maybe it was the panic attacks. It was probably, however, the loneliness and the feeling that no matter how hard I try, I will never be enough.

So when on Friday night, just as I was about to settle into a Netflix binge, and I see that he started dating someone, you best believe I lost all hope.

Because for the past couple of weeks, his face was the reason I got up in the morning. His smile was the reason I believed I was more than my past choices or mistakes. He was the reason I decided to eat my breakfast in the morning, a lunch at noon, and a meat-startch-and-vegetable dinner half past six. He made me believe that I could actually live a normal life.

But, when I saw him tonight with the beautiful girl with the long blonde hair, all my sense of hope diminished. I saw myself again for who I am: the girl who can’t seem to love herself enough to eat. The girl who’s counted every calorie for the last decade. The girl whose behaviors have inhibited her from receiving love. Because she doesn’t believe she deserves it.

So, this is one is to you, God. I know that emailing is a bit unconventional, but this is the 21st century and the bushes haven’t burned in the thousands of years. So, if you find this email, please read between the lines and realize that my hope and patience are running thin. I’m exhausted, I’m exhausted, I’m exhausted.