subject line: forgive me, i fell in love


manitou springs, CO

We were in Colorado and she was in New Jersey. I fell in love with you after 2 days, before I even knew you were dating. When I finally did find out, I did the noble thing for a while. I tried to bury my feelings, and ask you about her, and keep a healthy distance, and keep my heart safe. But it didn’t work. We were together for the whole summer, and as time went on, I fell harder and harder for you, and I knew you were falling for me, but I didn’t try to stop you. I just let you fall, and I’m sorry. Sure, we disguised it as a good friendship, and we assured each other that we weren’t doing anything wrong.

We assured each other after our 6 hour coffee date that Sunday. We assured each other after the ice cream date in the park. We assured each other after we climbed Mt. Elbert, and when we’d split all of our meals when we went out with friends, and when we’d sit and talk until midnight about our lives and dreams.

But all along I knew better. When you introduced me to your girlfriend over the 4th of July, you told her that you believed in me and thought I’d change the world someday. And then the fireworks came. The literal, Independence Day fireworks. I danced with our friends like a crazy fool, partially because I love crazy dancing, and partially because I wanted to seem like I didn’t care that you were with her instead of me. But when I finally mustered the courage to sneak a glance, I saw a picture that really depicted our summer together: you were holding her hand, but only watching me.

I should never have asked for your heart to be divided.

We can’t always control our emotions, but we can control our actions, and we can try to control our hearts. I did neither. I allowed myself to act on what I felt, and it left a trail of messy tears for all of us. The summer ended, you guys broke up, I moved back to Minnesota, and life went on. What hurts the most isn’t that we’re not together. It’s that all of my best memories with you are tainted because I didn’t have the strength to do what I knew was right. I love you. I did then and I do now. I’m sorry I didn’t show it the right way. I didn’t respect you in your relationship, I didn’t trust God’s plan, and I didn’t encourage you to be the man that she deserved. For that I am so, so sorry.

You found someone new and you’re getting married in two weeks, so there’s no sense in rehashing the past. But if somehow you ever stumble across this email, I hope you’ll forgive me.