subject line: do you feel the same?



Every time you call me needing a shoulder to lean on because some boy broke your heart, I feel a bit of hope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling joy at your sadness, my heart aches with yours, it always has, it always will. That’s the problem, I love you. Not the, “I love you” that we exchange at the end of our phone conversations but “I love you” as in you are on my mind every day. You have been on my mind every day since we were young, since we ran around the county fair together in middle school. I’ve tried to convince myself, lie to myself, hoping to persuade myself into loving other girls, but to no avail. Countless movie nights on the couch, dances and lunch trips back in high school and now we’re both in college only seeing eachother twice a year. Every time we talk you say how much you miss me and ask how I’m doing. My answer is usually the same, “I’m great...”.... Another lie, I’m not great. I want from the deepest part of my soul to tell you how I feel.
Then there was that one night at my cousins wedding where we danced, drank way too much and stayed up till 5am talking about everything. You told me that if both of us were still single by 30 we would get married. What does that mean? Does that mean you really feel the same way I do? Does that mean I am your backup? It kills me inside when I think about that night but at the same time I cling to that memory like the edge of a cliff. Remember the time you visited me in the hospital after I wrecked my truck? I’ve lied to you and said I don’t remember you coming to see me, which in part is truth. I don’t remember seeing you or even what we spoke about but I remember you leaning over to kiss me as you left, that memory is in my heart forever.
Another thing you don’t know, that night last year when I was on a road trip and stopped to see you in the town you now live. I wasn’t “stopping by”. I re-routed and drove several hundred miles out of my way just to spend a night with because you told me how much you wanted to see me.
All this, all this I want to say... I want you to know that every time I take a nice girl on a date, no matter how nice or beautiful they are all I see is you. I feel guilty about that, I try to fill the void that I know is for you, yet I can’t. I hope every day to tell you but I am afraid of ruining our friendship... Until the day I can be true to myself and tell you how I feel, here I am... Your best friend.