subject line: inelegant and unfiltered words from an old journal

 

the mitten

I’m 23 and I’ve never been in love. Never had someone who I can get coffee for when they’re having a rough day, or make breakfast for on a special occasion. Nobody has ever liked me enough to let me get that far. I’ve never come close to experiencing a relationship. I try to talk myself into thinking I’m in a good place. I have a great family, a job I like more than dislike, I have friends that are really there for me when I need them. I have a best friend who gets me in a way nobody else does. I have moments where I put things in perspective given how shitty the world can be and realize that I’m lucky. I have moments where I let myself believe I’m happy. It’s in between those moments, when I allow myself to notice how far I am from where I want to be that the sadness hits. Like there has to be more to life than wake up, go to work, watch crappy reality tv, and go to bed to do it all again. That is what my life has come to. And it has become so routine for me, I sometimes forget there is more to life.

I think about other people who are given the same 24 hours as me, and in that time they live and feel more than I have in 23 years. They experience being loved by someone, their breath catches slightly when that persons name lights up their phone, they plan trips and talk about a future. Their heart aches a little when they look over from the passenger seat and let themselves truly think about how much they love that person when they’re driving in comfortable silence. I envy the people who fight with their boyfriend and yell or even break up because at least they had something to fight for, at least they’re feeling something. Good or bad, I want to feel. I’ve become numb. Being lonely doesn’t hurt anymore. It just is how I feel. Constantly. I am alone constantly. And so I can forget for a little while that I am missing out on a huge component of life, and I can try to make myself believe I have what I want in life when I get a new pair of shoes or that bag I’ve been wanting. But in the back of my mind it’s always there, the knowledge that there’s more to life. The feeling that life isn’t complete without having someone to share it with. That the movie isn’t over until the girl gets the guy.