subject line: I pray for you

 

Seattle

To the boy who broke my heart last winter,

It’s been a long time coming. You’ve taught me that love is not a victory march. Leonard Cohen was right. But in the months since getting over you, I’ve shoved aside the bitterness in my chest and I have honest to goodness prayed for you. I still am, and maybe I always will be.

I’ve made a point to pray most intensely for you when you cross my mind and I start to become hard-hearted toward you. It helps me to remember that two years ago, I wanted what was best for you, and that doesn’t have to change.

I ask God to send you someone, but only when you’re ready. Being ready could take a few years, and that’s okay too - you’ll value her all the more when you’re ready. Someone who will be even more blown away by your crazy blue eyes than I was. Some girl who actually knows what you’re talking about when you go on your 1am physics rants, someone who is willing to put the effort into fathoming you.

Someone who can pull you down to earth sometimes, because you’ll need that. Someone to spice things up when the mundane gets you lonely. Someone who knows how to translate it right when you tell them you love them, and can respond in kind without injuring their conscience. Someone who can know you and be known by you and not be afraid of that.

Because it happened for me. I was so sure that you were it for me, I never allowed myself to think that there was this kind of certainty that came from outside of yourself, not from making a million compromises. I was so caught up in your baby blues that I was surprised when I glanced up and realized that a pair of brown eyes had become home. God sent me someone who makes it make sense why it wasn’t you. And now that I know that it’s possible, I’m able to ask Him to do the same for you.
I know we write these e-mails as if the person we’re writing to were to actually find these e-mails - but what if you actually did find this e-mail? Have I said all that I wanted to say? Have I said it right? Have I made this right?

I sure hope so.

I hope you’re not bitter. I’m sure not. I wonder about you, and I pray for you. I hope she finds you soon.

All my best,
the girl who wrote you all those postcards.