subject line: We keep locking eyes

 

Coffee Thoughts

The first time I kissed him was in November, and since then I’ve been kissing other people trying to forget him. I dated someone relatively seriously for months. I never even mentioned I was seeing someone else. I just fell out of his life, small talk as needed, always keeping him at an arm’s length away because I couldn’t quite let go.

So here we are again. I watched him talk to my friends at the bar. I watched his goofy face light up, trying to charm them. He came home with me, talked to my roommate, ended up in my bed. It’s all some type of fucked up whimsy. I don’t know if it will ever lead anywhere. I don’t know if I will be able to consider that a real possibility. He comes from privilege, and I’m fighting battles he doesn’t understand.

But have you ever had someone wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you a joke? I’ve had more dreams about that laugh than I will ever be able to count. I don’t know why the universe wants him in my life, but he is undeniably there. This time I’m not running until I have the answer. There’s just no moving on without it. While I’m still a little skeptical about this whole thing, my heart is so happy to wake up next to that laugh instead of having to fall asleep to hear it.