subject line: will the waves ever stop knocking me over?

 

Holly Springs, North Carolina

I started online college classes this week, and now I’m applying for disability support.

Disabled. The word hits me like a brick in the gut each time.

Reality really hits when you have to email someone and say, “I am physically and psychiatrically disabled.”

I don’t want it to be this way. I want to exist and function and succeed. I want to be okay. I want to be able.

I know all the right answers. If only emotions listened to reason.

I feel like the waves of illness and loneliness and darkness and joyless-ness will never stop breaking over my head. I want to stand on the water in faith, but I’m so afraid, and the waves keep knocking me over.

The fear is almost more overwhelming than the pain.

Because I’m scared that, like the ocean, the waves will never stop crashing.