subject line: definitions

 

Colorado

i’ve always been a pessimist when it comes to love.
in my head, love is a never-ending choice - you wake up in the morning, and right then you decide if you choose that person today. that’s why i’ve never believed in the convention of the one - the prince charming, rides in on a fucking majestic horse and saves everything. no. that’s why i’ve always valued someone who chooses me, all over again, every single day.
but what happens when you stop choosing them?
i tried to stop choosing you. two years we’ve been together and all of a sudden something went off inside of my head. that it was impossible for someone like you to choose me, every single day. that’s why i shoved you away. because i am little scraps of sunshine and rain pasted together by late nights listening to pink floyd. and you, you are solid and steady like mountains and everything i wish i could be. so i pushed you, as hard as i could. a part of me needed to know that i was strong enough to.
one of my friends flat out believes in the idea that he’ll find his one and only. i was talking to him the other night and he called my definition scary. he said that he didn’t want someone to have to pick again and again, because he’s not perfect. and he’s scared they’ll leave.
so am i. i’m terrified that you’ll leave. but even when i pushed you, you stayed steady. how many relationships are ended because someone feels like they are not good enough? i feel lucky not to have to count our story as one of them.
i still don’t think there is a ‘the one’. i think that if the world is a matrix of possibilities that love is no less complex and endless. but it’s beautiful that way. and little by little, i think that i understand love is more than the choice you make in the morning. love makes the choice before you wake up. love is why i roll over in the middle of the night and wish there was a text from you, but still am happy because your face lights up with my phone.
you are strong and solid and everything i wish i was. but somehow, because i love you, you make me strong too.