subject line: it isn't fair

 

South Carolina

Despite the looming 27 in my foreseeable future, I am going to be immature here. Stamp my proverbial foot and pitch a fit. Just for a few paragraphs because my family and my sister’s boyfriend and I had lunch with a family from church after the AM service today. And while their oldest sat in my lap, holding my arms while we all discussed the sermon I couldn’t get this one thought out of my head.

It isn’t fair.

I can’t have children. I have a genetic disorder that could put me at risk for wheelchairs and tumors and disfigurement or maybe even death. Whatever children that could possibly be born would have it so much worse than me. Learning disabilities, webbed feet, crippling pain, blindness or deafness if I don’t miscarry them because the hormone changes are too much on my body. The risks are the kind of things I don’t want to expose any kid to in the cruel world we are living in right now. We talk about understanding and acceptance but I think we are still on a long road to practicing what social media preaches.

It isn’t fair.

I will never have a kid who has my dark curls or heavy eyebrows or bad eyesight. Or a kid who’ll be a perfect blend of me and my pending spouse.

It isn’t fair.

I will never get to fill my child’s head with music and fairy tales and the Story Of Jesus. I will never teach them how to dance or how to dream.

It isn’t fair.

I’d take puke and runny noses and fevers and spills for a kid I helped create.

It isn’t fair.

Because even with all the kids out there in the world who needs a home. A mommy and a daddy, I might not even be able to have one of them as my own because I might not be able to handle losing a kid if the state took them away from us. I tend to have down days, the Mean Reds. . . sometimes the blues. Maybe I won’t be a candidate to be a mom because I am sick with a genetic disorder and they want you to be healthier when they grant you a child.

It isn’t fair.

I’d make one of the best moms ever and I might not ever be able to be called that.