subject line: Letter to Olivia

 

stl

Sometimes for comfort I tell myself, “everyone has that friend.” You know, the one that you chase desperately even though you know deep down that you shouldn’t. The friend who casts her line and hooks you, then reels you in so very painfully slowly.

Everyone here had an Olivia complex. Everyone saw you as the sweet, kind, caring, innocent friend whose presence we were lucky to be blessed with. I laughed at those people, and I embraced your witty humor, and the way you subtly treated everyone like shit because of your own low self-esteem and insecurities.

Until I was on the other side of that. I was no longer laughing with you, but being laughed at by you. I had become useless to you, as I was not a member of your sorority in-crowd, something you openly acknowledged. You kept me on that hook, dangling and waiting. Would I be let go or would you eventually pull me in? You started excluding me intentionally, until I became useful to you. I became a conscience clearer. You included me as your charity case, so that you didn’t have to graduate and feel guilty about the mud you dragged me through because you saw this as redemption.

I understand that people lose friends; I’ve lost my fair share. But you never quite let me off that goddamn hook. You held me there for 3 years while I hoped and wished you’d let me into that circle I so desperately wanted to be in. I waited for that validation while crying on the tile floor in my bathroom time after time.

So here I am, cutting that line. I won’t let you entice me back onto your hook in the hope of being wanted and needed by you. The truth is, I don’t want to be wanted and needed by someone who doesn’t make me a better person, or have any respect for me.

I hope your new life is treating you you better than you treated me.