subject line: I don't wear the ring anymore.

 

nashville

I haven’t seen you in two months. I haven’t seen my fiancé in two months. In those two months I have taken my NCLEX, become a registered nurse, gotten my dream job, moved out of my parent’s house, and gained two beautiful nieces. I would be lying if I said these haven’t been two of the best months of my life. I would be lying if I said I missed you. I don’t. I don’t miss who you are now. I miss who you were to me for four and a half years. I miss the boy that I loved for so long. I loved you so much that we endured two years of being 800 miles apart, and two more after the gap was closed. I miss the you that was my best friend, the one that knew me inside and out, the one I could be completely myself around, the one I said “yes” to on the dock this summer.

To be honest I haven’t seen you in 5 months when you got list inside your own head, two days after we booked our wedding venue. The depression came in and covered you so quickly and killed who you used to be. The light went out and was replaced by the hurricane that is your mind now. I swear if feels like you died that day. I took you to doctors and counseling and did everything in my power to bring you back to the surface. I tried so hard for you. For us.

The medications haven’t helped. The counseling hasn’t helped. Your parents came and took you back home. And now you’re 800 miles away again, but if feels like a million. We FaceTime and text, but its not you. Every conversation feels forced and uncomfortable. You’ve stopped texting me goodnight. You hardly text me at all.

I visited at Christmas, but when I got off the plane, I knew. I knew that you weren’t what I wanted anymore. I don’t blame you for this, I’m not mad at you, but I don’t want you. I feel like such a shitty person for saying that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone because they are depressed, but its not that. It’s the fear that even if you get “better” you still aren’t you.

And what if this happens again? What if next time we are married and have three kids and you decide you need to go live with your parents again? I cannot live with that uncertainty, and I am so sorry. I take care of people for my career. I don’t want to have to take care of the person I love forever. I want a partner.

This email is everything that I want to say to you, but I can’t. Not yet. I’ll say it to you one day, probably soon. I just needed to get it out. So it’s out there, and the tears are flowing, and my heart is broken, but I’m happy and I will be fine.

But I’ll have to be fine without you.