subject line: herbal tea before bed

 

Pennsylvania

I read the response to my piece, “We Keep Locking Eyes”, and I thought “oh no. I have somehow romanticized this boy”. To the girl who ended up with the boy in her bed, I just want to say, of course he would end up in your bed. You are amazing. You write emails to strangers, you eat chips and salsa at 5 am, and you openly admit to the world the feeling of being lost. Your friends are going to tell you to avoid a lot of boys because most of them probably aren’t quite good enough for you. Of course, you won’t listen to them. Nor should you. Fall in love over and over again, I know I have. I want to mention. The boy who I dated briefly is the one I would be writing about if my head had written a think piece instead of my heart. I want to mention that while that boy may have ended up in my bed that night, there had been what seemed 100 nights I had extended the invitation only for him to decline. I have always stood by this theory that if a boy really wants you, you’ll know it. He’ll be there every damn night.

When he ended up in my bed, it wasn’t the beginning to my fairy tale. Oh no, he never loved me the way that love normally plays out. He has never met my best friend. He couldn’t tell you my favorite color. We kiss each other like it’s the first time every time. Like we will never commit to each other. As if it is brand new after 10 months of stumbling into each other’s arms. So yes, I kissed other people. I kissed people who have cared more deeply and extensively for me than he might ever in his life. I am hanging on to a maybe when he never chose me. There is undoubtedly a part of me that believes he will someday. He is an extraordinary human. Until then, yes. I will still be kissing other people and no. I will not come to his house past midnight. He can crawl into my bed all he wants, but I’m not crawling into his anymore. It is time he chose me. I’d like to think I’m pretty damn worth it. And so are you. I hope that none of you ever let anyone make you feel inadequate.