subject line: What's it all for?

 

lacey, washington

My entire high school career I had my nose buried in books.

I didn’t go to parties or homecoming dances. I studied and worked so hard in order for people to think that I was smart and talented....that I was going to go places. Now, all the people who barely passed their classes in high school have better jobs while sit in Grad School clinging to the hope that people are going to think I’m smart.

I wish that I would have known at 14-18 that it isn’t all about GPA. High School is a time to laugh and joke around with your friends while trying to understand the material as best as you can....not mastering it to the point where you can recite it in your sleep so you can pass a test. I wish i would have been more of myself inside of barely opening my mouth because I was more afraid of bullies than possibly being wrong.

College/Trade School is a time for studying and exploring your options. Pick a major that you love and one that will allow you to support yourself

GPA is not everything. Degrees are not everything. You can make a great living right out of high school if you have the right connections. I was so busy studying that I never made them. I was so convinced that my GPA and honors were going to be so impressive that I would get all the jobs. I should have put myself out there more at a young age. Now, I am lost in academia feeling like I am on a fast track to a brick wall with no emergency break to pull. I feel terrified that I am never going to make something of myself. That my life will be nothing more than an insignificant speck. That everything that I worked so hard to achieve will be for nothing. That I am no good. That I am one of those sad stories that you hear about where people are like, “She’s so damn smart, but she can’t actually do anything with their life. How sad.”

I feel so scared and I’m trying to figure out where God is. All these things seems to be falling into place for friends of mine while I am merely trying to keep my head above the water. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel lost. I have no idea what the next step is. I have no signs. I have no map and to be quite honest, the more I try to make doors for myself, the more brick walls I encounter. What am I supposed to do? Did I have it wrong the whole time? Was I never supposed to come here? God, what is going on? What is it that you want from me here?