subject line: I can't tell my mom. September 09, 2015 by Hannah Brencher habersham, georgia. I’m better now. I haven’t made myself throw up or purposely skipped a meal because I was insanely terrified of the calories since I was 18. I’m 20 now. It’s been two years, so that must mean I’m better now, right? I sat in front of 15 teenage girls and talked to them about my issue and told them how I got over it and where I got my strength from. I was chosen to do this by a woman in my church because she thought these girls would get something out of my story. I told them about hope and beauty and love and overcoming obstacles with tears streaming down my cheeks. My “issue” has been on my mind ever since.If I’m better... Why do I still feel guilty after finishing a full zaxbys meal? Why do I still look at myself in the mirror and specifically pinpoint my “problem areas”? Why do i search workouts on Pinterest every night and repin them to my “body goals” board? Why do I think that being 114 pounds and 5’3 at the age of 20 is too heavy? Why do I look at my reflection and see my loosely fitting adult small t shirt and think “I could be in a smaller size if I tried hard enough”?Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go back to the place I was in when I began to force my dinner back up 15 minutes after eating it if someone paid me a million dollars. It was dark and it was lonely. I was losing my mind as I was trying to lose weight & I won’t go back there. But I don’t think I’m better anymore. I think something’s wrong with me. I wish I believed what I told those teenage girls as much as they believed me.I don’t know I guess I just needed to admit it to someone instead of hiding behind my “I have it all together now” demeanor. & I can’t tell my mom because she still looks at me with worried eyes when I can’t eat a full plate of spaghetti.