subject line: 1 of ~447,841 (2013)

 

westside, atlanta

i’ve lived in Atlanta for 25 months. During this time, I’ve lived in 4 different homes. Two with a husband, then two without. Can you imagine moving 4 times in just over two years? I’ve had 3 different zip codes in the amount of time it took my precious niece to learn to tie her shoes (among many other incredible things—so maybe that’s a bad comparison?...maybe I just shouldn’t compare at all). It’s been hard. It’s still very, very hard.

My marriage blew up, mostly because I put kerosene on it then lit a match, and I ran away. Once I was ready to come home, he was gone. However, there IS good news. I stayed still for a moment (weeping) and God caught me. I was (finally) still enough to hear him call my name. I’d asked for awhile if He knew I existed...but then I would quickly busy myself with all the things so I couldn’t hear His response. In my anguish, in my silent sobbing, He said, Abby...I know you exist, and I love you.

So, I am learning to love me too. Sure, it’s hard. I miss my husband every moment of every day. I pray for redemption, restoration, and reconciliation. But I recognize that may not be possible. And not because God is inadequate or anything...but because we are a fallen world. And it says in Romans 12:18 IF it is possible...so I try to live at peace, but my husband may never look at me with those handsome brown eyes again. We’re divorced now, and who on Earth could really blame him when I worked so hard to push him away?

Nevertheless, being 1 of approximately 447,841 people within the city limits of Atlanta is hard. See, I moved to Atlanta knowing only my husband. And now he’s gone. And I don’t know anyone else. I go to work, exercise class, and church and sweetly smile at the people passing by and then I quickly cut my eyes to my hands. Everyone is so happy and connected (thanks, Satan for the lie)...and I am such an island.

How do I make friends as a divorced 28 year old? Once upon a time I had more friends than a girl could hope to have. And now I have none. Where do I go, how do I push through the awkward? Where does one find themselves in this city? It’s so big. And everyone is so damn happy.