subject line: 904 miles.

 

boston, massachussetts 

I’m listening to the sound of traffic rush outside my window, a sound I will never get used to, in a bed that’s half empty, reminding me of him. He’s 904 miles away in a half empty bed he will never get used to.

But I had to be bold and brave, something I will never get used to. I had to pick the job 904 miles away. I ask myself every day: “Was it worth it? Was it worth all of these tears?”
Im not brave. Everyone thinks I’m brave. They keep telling me how brave I am for choosing 904 miles and a city I’ve never known. Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed wide awake with a thousand fears piercing through my veins. Scary fears. Irrational fears. Fears that leave me paralyzed. Fears that drive others away. Fears that no one sees.

Every day is a challenge. A challenge I accepted when I chose the job 904 miles away. A challenge to get around in this big city by myself. A challenge to overcome the job that I’m still not sure is worth it. To overcome my fears. To forget what people think as I learn to sit and eat at a bar alone. To open up to people I don’t know. To live in a city where I know no one and have not a single soul to call to come over and binge watch Netflix and hoard Ben & Jerry’s. To trust that he still loves me 904 miles away.

904 miles or two inches apart he still chooses me. He still loves me. Every moment. Every day. And I sit and I could cry because he picks me every day, and I’m so not used to that. I’ve never been the girl the guys pick. I’ve been the one that’s naïve, easy to break, easy to leave, who makes it easy to pick the other girl. But not with him. He chose me over all of them. And still does. And still will. 904 miles and he chooses me.

If I can trust that he will always choose me, I can overcome this obstacle, these fears, this choice. I can choose to make the best of being alone. I can do this because despite every bone in my body trying to tell me I’m not, I am brave. I am brave because I chose to move 904 miles away, live alone, and still trust that he will always choose me. I am brave. I am 904 miles of brave.