subject line: anger, grief, and ghosts.

 

boise, idaho

Last night I heard her talking to the woman next to me. “This is usually caused by anger and grief,” she said. “This is about letting go. I think this comes down to forgiveness. You need to forgive and let go.” I couldn’t help but think that those words were really intended for me.

If I’m honest, I claimed anger and grief 18 months ago and haven’t been able to let go. I’ve distracted myself on the surface pretty well. Underneath, however, it’s a different story.

I still blame A. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. He fucked me over and then he ghosted me. I have every right to be angry about that. At the end of the day, I know that he doesn’t owe me anything. But that doesn’t make what happened suck any less.

Should I move on to J? LORD. Where do I even start? He used me and ghosted me too. Granted, every choice I made with him was of my own volition, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t take advantage of me. Actually, I could say the same for what happened with A. But with J, I don’t know why it was different. Our friendship maybe? I could say the loss of his friendship hurts the worst, but no one ever in my life has made me feel as small as he did in the end. I was just another girl, another body, another way to forget how lonely he was.

I can’t begin to explain why I still care for J, why I still dream about him, why it’s been 9 months and just last week I woke up sobbing and shaking. “Are you happy?” I asked in just a whisper as I looked into his face. “Yes,” he replied. “Good. I just want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy.” My hand rested in his and I looked away and I tried to still my trembling body as I began to sob.

How can I still have feeling for someone who treats me the way he did? I feel like something is broken inside of me. Is it possible to ever find someone who doesn’t make me feel this way? Am I strong enough to realize that I deserve so much more than this?