subject line: that door could have held two.

 

philadelphia, pennsylvania

I don’t want to be another TSwift song. I don’t want to be another Titanic story. The tragedy of it all makes me want to throw up, I swear I feel nauseous. I started crying at the thought of him moving on, and I thought, “It would be great if this was the worst of it. It would be great if this was my big break down that lead to some sort of revelation,” I didn’t have any type of revelation, though. I still don’t know why he came into my life, and I still want to throw glass bottles into windows to see which one will shatter at the thought of him moving on. Which one will shatter? I think that was the question I asked myself when he left. Which one of us will shatter first? Although I felt like my life was in a million pieces, I can’t help but wonder who has it worse. I was talking to a friend about it, and he told me, “You did everything right. I promise.” I’m used to doing things right and feeling gratitude. I’m used to doing things right, and finding myself grateful to be alive every day. If this is what doing things right feels like, I’m half tempted to say fuck it. But I know that I need to move on. I wake up every day and tell myself, you need to move on. I repeat to myself the littlest things that make me happy. I drink way too much, and I question every step that I take. At the end of the day, though, I think “maybe this is what moving on feels like.” I am bandaging up my wounds. I read some random thing in the depths of the internet about a lady who lost her love after she moved across the country with him. She started fresh. She wrote about how she needed to be the version of herself that she loved, not just the one who she thought he would love. She said it was the best thing she ever did, it was God’s plan. I have so much trouble remembering who I was before I met him. I’m struggling with baby steps. I just know if there’s one thing that I don’t want to be, it’s another tragic love story. That’s all I know. I am more than that. I will not be reduced to that.