subject line: savior syndrome.

 

los angeles, california

Somehow in the process of trying to save her, I lost myself.
Somewhere during leading her to the Lord, I fell in love with her laugh.
At some point while trying to be the clarity is a cluttered world I got turned around.
She’s a girl, I’m a girl. That will always be an issue.
So friends we will always remain because even though I try so hard to see how a future between me and her could work out, it wouldn’t.
This relationship would be dangerous.
I love you too much.
Like Abraham with Isaac you occupy space in the alter of my heart that was only meant for Christ.
It may be written in the stars but it’s not written in God’s plan.
To make myself feel better I think about 10 years from now, being married to a man. The man that I’ve told you I write love letters to. The man I don’t know yet. I never told anyone else about those letters by the way, that was just another way I let you in like I’ve never let anyone else.
But I think about being married to this man and having kids and how I’ll answer when my someday daughter asks who my first love was.
Will I lie and tell her it was her dad? Or will I tell her about you?
Will I tell her about my friend that I fell in love with during 3am text conversations about real life questions and spontaneous day trips to cities we both had never been to?
I don’t know what my answer will be.
All I know for certain right now is that every time I try and tell myself that I’m just overthinking normal feelings in a normal friendship I hear a love song and you’re the first person that pops in my mind. All I know for certain is that I can hear God wanting to speak to me, wanting to have me back like a dad wants to have their drug addict child sober from drugs. But you’re my drug and I just can’t quit you yet.
It’s ironic because I told you human love will always fail us and God’s love with always prevail and always purse us but I never thought I’d be the one failing you, I never thought I’d be God’s runaway bride. But here I am.