subject line: somewhere in between.

 

douglasville, georgia

I lost my sister 13 years ago at the age of 20 and I t was at that very moment that I lost the ability to stay. I don’t blame her. And I can’t wait to see her again in Heaven. But in the mean time, I’m stuck somewhere in between not knowing how to stay and not knowing when to go. Divorced. Mom to a wonderful daughter who says things like, “How come I never see you cry?” and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I save those tears for when she’s fast asleep with her Dream Light on and I’m alone, curled up and hiding in my closet. Depression had set in and I lost the ability to love and thought I’d be better off no longer pretending to have it all together and decided that being married to a wonderful, loving man was cruel. For him of course as I was not the woman he married. I had turned into a stone cold reflection of someone I used to be and someone I used to know. Five years later, he’s found his next chapter and is happy again. Me? I’m with a good man who can fix a car and and a sink and can all things in between. But we’ve never spoke of love. Not once. And it’s been 3 years. I find myself being jealous of the dog that he loves so much but he can’t even muster the words to ask if I’ve had a bad day. Or why I’m upset. We don’t hold hands. We never hold hands. And I’ve become angry. At myself mostly. For making my needs small. For keeping emotions to myself as I know that he cannot handle them. So I stay. Hoping that one day things will change. I stay, to prove that I’m not always a quitter. I stay, because I just don’t know how to leave.