subject line: if I stay.

 

charlotte, north carolina

Porn. It has left a scar on my soul, and I have never watched it a day in my life. All my hopes and naivety about a perfect love story, with my boyfriend of almost two years, came crashing down when he told me he was addicted. He was sorry. It had been there before me, for years. It was a struggle and it was real. But it is not fair. Not to me.
The little girl inside of me, who has always dreamed of Prince Charming, broke that day. I expected him to be perfect, which is naïve I know. He is human, and humans fail us. But what about me? Where am I in this? I feel bulldozed over, left to try and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

My perspective of him is skewed. I can’t think back on all of our memories without them being tainted, knowing that there was something else entertaining him every night. I was supposed to be enough for him.

I love him and I understand people make mistakes. He was honest and he came to me and he is asking for help and fixing a problem that has controlled him for years. But part of me does not want to be here. I wonder if there is someone else for me, someone whom I am enough for and someone who will not break me. He did not do this to me, I know. But I do not want to be here anymore. My method of self defense has always been running. I need to leave to be okay. He does not deserve me to stay and be vulnerable. I am slowly shutting myself off, fading away from him.

But if I stay, we will have a story of triumph and redemption, if we ever get through this. If the porn ever goes away.

But I do not want to love him and forgive him. It is becoming more a choice that is no longer easy for me to make. Why should he have any piece of me? Yet he deserves grace and forgiveness. We all do.
So conflicted. I love him. But is it worth it? The pain is almost too much at times and the anger and grief it has caused me is breaking me apart. Or am I just becoming golden? I want to run. But I need to stay.