subject line: Common Misconceptions, Army Camo, and Broken Hearts

 

phoenix, arizona

When I introduced myself to the silent boy who was in my Calculus class junior year, I was never expecting to find such a complicated relationship with him. I had a boyfriend of nearly two years, and i was perfectly content with him. He was nice enough for all intents and purposes, and he was willing, unlike most of the other guys I knew, to settle down in some quiet town and build a family.

You destroyed every last little dream of mine. And perhaps that was the best thing that could have happened to me. You showed me everything that I hadn’t even thought to see.

Unintentionally, you showed me such true love that I had never before experienced. And I hated every second of it. Not because I hated you at all. You were amazingly handsome, such a gentleman, a brilliant mind, everything my sixteen year old self had ever wanted in a man. That was the awful part. I found myself completely unsatisfied with my relationship. I started to realize all the things that were lacking.

I never told you about my feelings for you. I continued in my relationship, hoping that i would forget all about you. But I couldn’t. You and I grew closer instead. My boyfriend got jealous of our relationship and he broke up with me. And even though I was truly in love with you, it shattered my heart.

In the coming months, you took care of me, made me feel like I wasn’t completely worthless. You would come over all the time and have dinner with my family. But never as anything more than my adopted big brother, in your words.

A few weeks ago, you came over again in your typical manner. But when we accidentally fell asleep together, spooning on the couch, and I woke up next to you, I was completely struck by how I wanted to feel that way again.

But we both know that’s not a possibility. You’ve always wanted to don army camo more than you have ever wanted to come home to a wife. So much so that you went down and enlisted yourself. And I have only wanted a husband that would come home to me and love me more than anything. I stuck this letter in your rucksack in the tiny hidden pocket I sewed inside. So if you find this letter one day, know that I would cuddle with you because it was the only way I could prove that I loved you.